Tuesday, November 24, 2009,
Caring for someone who could careLESS? - this goes out to you for the last time.
Truthfully, I have nothing left to say but I give up.
I hope you're happy and I wish you the best in life.
I want to tell you how much I hate you and how much I want the worse things to happen to you.
But I really can’t say that because I don’t hate you, and I really don’t want anything bad to happen to you.
I just wish I wasn’t so clueless,
I wish I wasn’t so stupid to believe that you were actually a “nice” guy.
Hence the fact that you treated me like dirt,
As if I was the most stupidest girl in the entire world.
I thought I had it bad in the past,
I thought it couldn’t get any worse but I was wrong.
In the past, I thought a guy who would whine about how I wouldn’t pick up
his many phone calls was childish.
I thought someone who did me wrong and took me for granted was bad.
But, you see I was all wrong.
You proved to be the worst guy I ever started talking to.
You wasted so much of my time,
Telling me you were different,
telling me it was okay to trust you,
Telling me that you don’t want me to stress
and would do something to get me to stop (note: you made it worse),
And that you’ll be there if I need someone to just listen.
I may not have known you for the longest time,
But what hurts is that you made me want to breakdown those wall
Those walls that every guy wanted me to break to be able to let them in.
I guess I chose the wrong guy to start trusting, to start caring about, and to even
start believing that they won’t just get up and leave.
I’m so stupid because I chose you,
I was starting to trust you,
I started to care so much about you - that I prayed that you wouldn’t hurt anymore.
Did you know that it hurt me so much to see those painful texts of what was happening in your life?
Did you know that I cried when you told me something critical you were going through,
Someone as “nice” as you that I started to even question: why do the most nicest guy, get something horrific happening in their life.
When I say I cared, I really mean I cared about you.
All I wanted for you was to be happy- nothing more, nothing less.
But all you did was treat me like dirt,
I thought since you’re older you would be more mature.
Mature enough to be STRAIGHT UP.
Mature enough to know that it’s better to tell the person and not leaving them hanging.
Ignoring them and pretend you had good intentions don’t get you anywhere.
Like seriously, how old are you?
Aren’t you old enough to know how to treat people?
Aren’t you old enough to talk and be STRAIGHT UP?
That’s all I wanted from you,
For you to be straight up - if you don’t want to do something,
or if you can’t do it then tell me!
Stop being so childish and just tell me straight up.
Sorry, but I don’t read minds.
4:22 PM
Sunday, November 8, 2009,
Realization
These past few weeks have been probably the most stressful weeks I’ve had in a while.
I thought coming back for another semester would be easier than the 4 years I was there - clearly I was so wrong. It has topped it and not by a little but a lot. I have never been so
Worried about grades in high school, I’ve always been so chill about it. This time it’s the total opposite. I’ve never stayed up until 530am to finish my assignment, call me crazy but this part of my life is the most important time of my life. It’s the part that determines my future and I haven’t realized until now.
I have to say, the only reason I realized this was because of 3 people who has pushed me, knowing I could do anything I put my mind into it. It’s sad to say this, but they were RIGHT! One friend always told me that I could get into the university I wanted. Though I never really believed him before, but as he helped me this past few weeks I feels like my future is somewhat closer than I have expected. Truthfully, I don’t know what I would do without this guy. Before, I thought “I can‘t get close with this guy, are you kidding me” but as I’ve got close to his guy he taught me how to be true to myself and to people around me. Like if I didn’t like something about someone, I would just keep it to myself but with him - I could easily tell him what’s on my mind and believe it or not, I feels so good to just let all those feeling out. However, I couldn’t just stop there. He has done more for me, he taught me to respect myself and to analyze all the information that has been provided to me. Before, I would just believe everything someone would tell me. With his help he showed me that it’s not enough to believe that the person is telling the truth and whether the information is true or not. - taught me more than how to be a good friend but how to be open minded, believing that the future could actually be possible. That’s why he’s like the closest guy friend I have right now. I’m so lucky.
3:23 PM
Saturday, November 7, 2009,
Prove me wrong.
(this is for you* - you know who you are)
I regret you coming into my life,
I wish I wasn’t as stupid to even start liking you.
Hell I let someone else go - who was funny, always did his best to make me smile and who wouldn’t do something as stupid as you did.
I feel so stupid to have chosen you.
You said, “honestly.. Im a nice guy,”
Then, why did you that jerk move to me.
I hope you know, I’m not mad at the fact that you made plans and flopped,
I’m mad because you didn’t even bother to text me to tell me you couldn’t - making me feel so stupid. When I say stupid, I mean so stupid that I’ve never felt for a long time.
Stupid for thinking, “everything will be okay, maybe this could work,”
But you ruined it, by a simple action.
You said, “I‘m really sorry,”
But you have said it a lot before.
Sorry for this, sorry for that.
I’m tired of hearing sorry. Everyone says sorry and it always happens again.
Just proves that “saying sorry doesn't make it all right,”
I need someone who will prove that he’s sorry with his actions - that’s the only way.
Action speak louder than words babe, its as simple as that (as simple as that).
I know you won’t prove it with actions,
I know you won’t even try.
You’re the same as most of the stupid guys I’ve dated.
I wanted to believe you were slightly different.
I was so wrong babe, so wrong.
Just like any other, you made me smile,
You just nicely fit into my daily schedule and it was just a good feeling.
You ruined it, you ruined it, you ruined it.
Finally, I could say that yes I was stupid, yes I didn’t love you.
But this time it’s not my fault for what happened,
But yours, and yours alone.
I never stopped caring even when your stories didn’t fit,
I kept in what needed to be unsaid,
But you still decided to prove you’re a jerk.
You don’t make sense, you really don’t.
You always contradicted yourself., always.
I had a feeling something stupid would happen but I didn’t listen.
That’s what I get. I guess that’s exactly what I deserved.
It made me realize that crushes, love, relationship altogether is just a game.
A game that must be played, rough or fair- it doesn’t matter.
Can you or can someone just…
Honestly and I mean honestly. Can you or someone just…
Prove me wrong.
Not by apologies, not by words.
But by doing something, anything just anything by action.
Prove me wrong.
Someone just prove me wrong
Prove me wrong.
Babe, just prove me wrong- and only then everything will be just fine.
7:24 PM
Monday, August 24, 2009,
Have you ever had a friend who you knew had feelings for you and
has expressed his feelings time and time again.
However, since you’re so afraid to start liking someone again, all you
can do is try to change the subject or just give him a pointless answer.
You deserve the truth,
because that’s the only thing you’ve been giving me.
You may sicken me with some of your comments,
but I do find some funny.
So, here’s the truth.
Truth is.
I don’t know what I want to do
when it comes to you.
You tell me that I’ve been holding back
You say that you’re different and that you won’t
let my biggest fear come true, if I chose you.
Is that really true, or are you just telling me
what I want to hear, just like all the others.
Truth is.
I’m so tired of the “same old, same old” in my life.
I feel like I need something new to happen.
But the problem is I see so much of the past people
I dated- in you.
And that’s not what I’m looking for now.
Truth is,
Most of the things in this song are true..
“I smiled enough
I flirted enough
I posed enough
Got freaky enough
Took pictures enough
Conversated enough
I sipped enough
I got enough…”
But, that was in the past.
Truth is.
I’m not looking for someone at the moment. (or well i think)
I’m happier not having to worry that I’m hurting someone
because of my actions. Believe it or not, I’m happier spending
time with family nowadays and not fighting about “boys.”
I have never been single for this long to realize how much
my family and friends love and care for me as much as they do.
I’ve never really appreciated my family for what they’ve
done for me, until now.
Truth is.
I’m really happy with my life now.
I know that you like me a bit and I know when something
I do is bothering or has affected you.
And if you haven’t noticed,
I hate when you’re mad so I always try to losing
up the situation.
I love how talking it through makes it somewhat better.
I love how you haven’t given up in trying to get me.
I gotta tell you the truth though, it’s cute when you
get jealous SOMETIMES. Other times, it’s gay and
I don’t quite understand it since you hardly know me
And you know the rest.
Here’s the truth you really want to hear.
I’m afraid I’ll fall for you when that day comes.
I’m afraid you imagined me as something I’m not,
And I guess I don’t want to disappoint you.
I’m tired of disappointing people I care about, and
I’m tired of being that cold hearted girl.
But truth is…
I’ve tried to change for myself, for my family, and
I’ve tried my hardest for my ex but it didn't work.
And so I guess I need more time for this change.
until then, i can't promise that i'm not going hurt you with
the things i do and say.
Let's be real to each other...
You and I are better being friends,
I personally can't image my life without you
being my friend.
So, let's not ruin this good friendship,
one day I know you'll thank me for this...
Until then I had to me truthful to myself and
most important you.
4:27 PM